"Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them."

“Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!”

“I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.”

“You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox.”

“I think it would a good idea now if all the ugly ones came and sat down near the front! You have! Good!”

“I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.”

“Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.”