"Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town."

“: What's your mood watch say?”

“Comedy is not pretty.”

“The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!”

“All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: 'Dead men don't wear plaid.' Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.”

“I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.”

“It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.”