"I used to suck until they were all white, let them dry, and then put them back in the packet and show my mum the Smarties with no colour on them."

“I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.”

“I had a garter snake named Clayton.”

“I don’t think I’d have done comedy if I was born eighty years ago I’d have been a lord. Shooting people that were on my land With a wig, yeah. And some crisps.”

“In Edinburgh? I quite like the City Cafe. Because you never get served in there. And I like the idea that you can go in there for three hours and still not get your order. I think that’s quite funny. And then when you say ‘Can I have some food - I’m wasting away,’ they have the audacity to tut at you. When there’s only four of you in there. Fuckers. They should all be shot in the face. Sorry. I’m only joking. And I’m really tired.”

“You must have stuck a finger up your arse at least once.”

“I've always had my suspicions about moss.”