"And the French. The French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb—ah! Only destroys restaurants under 4 stars. And they still test their bombs. They're one of the few people who still detonate their bombs. The underground test. Where do they do it? In the Sahara in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? "Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest—fuck off. I sink you."

“My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.”

“There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say "Fuck off!" That man...is Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has fucked everyone!”

“I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?" I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" And...it was...and here's where it got interesting. She didn't bat an eyelash. She just went "No". At that point, even God's going, "Do you get it?!" German comedy: "Knock-knock--We ask the questions!.”

“Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.”

“I would like to do for you now, a Japanese science fiction movie: "Attack of the Killer Vibrators.”

“You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.”