"I once played charades with a couple that was deaf.....they were amazing. I mean, none of this sounds like business."

Zach Galifianakis Entertainment See all quotes by Zach Galifianakis →

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“For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.”

“I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?”

“Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.”

“My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.”

“Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'"... I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?”

“Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.”

Resonant Thoughts

"You can never bail someone out of trouble without putting someone else into trouble."

— Arthur Laffer

Economics1940

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"“You know,” she said, “they teach you that robots are made to serve humans. But the way they say that word ‘serve’ it sounds like ‘control.’ My father—Simon—called it ‘politician talk.’"

— Walter Tevis

Literature1928–1984

#knowledge

"Our god is the wonderful law of creation, whose amazing unity of all things shows itself if wonderful flowers, in growing trees, in new born children, in the secrets of a mother, in the growth of our …"

— Robert Ley

Politics1890–1945

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"Janeway Smithson was a little, insane, grey-haired bantam rooster of a man. He loaded five or six of us in one cab, and we rolled down to the bed of the L.A. River. Now in those days the L.A. River wa…"

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Literature1920–1994

#time