"My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing."

“For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey.”

“I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?”

“Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say.”

“Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis... Galifianakis... Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'"... I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?”

“Seriously!, this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker.... 36.63.”

“When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. And I would write about it in my dairy.”