Zach Galifianakis

"Sometimes I order a beet salad, so when the waiter comes and lays down my salad I can say "thanks for laying down those funky beets". It's an expensive joke because I don't even like beets."

"I like to stump Google. The other day I Google'd "how many Mexicans live in North Korea"....Google didn't know. I also Google'd "how many candles does Dave Navarro own?"...14,000."

"If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love 'em. They're exactly... well, they're not EXACTLY alike, but they're a little bit alike..."

"I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name."

"The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points."

"For 8 years now I've been addicted to cold turkey. When I tell people I'm quitting cold turkey, they say,"What are you quitting?", I'm fucking quitting cold turkey."

"At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?"

"Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"