Dennis Miller

"You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies."

"Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Thre…"

"For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hi…"

"The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood."

"He's going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he's going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he's goi…"

"Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?"

"We have trouble convicting people who confess to murder, but this woman is able to take three mil off of McDonald's? If the judge had any common sense, the trial should have gone like this: "Will the …"

"I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."