Joe Rogan

"Guys don't know they're pussy whipped until it's too late. Until you do something that lets you know, like when you shush your friends: "Hey, man, remember that time we went to Vegas and...?" "Dude, s…"

"Just because I'm staring deep into your birth canal does not mean that I'm fucked up. It means you should have paid more attention in high school and I have a dollar. I have four quarters and you have…"

"Here's the craziest thing about life. This is the thing that nobody really considers: You know as much about what life is all about as anybody who's ever lived, ever. That's the craziest thing about u…"

"We have comic book bad guys. Osama Bin Laden is right out of a fucking comic book. Think about it: He's a billionaire genius...who hates us! He lives in a cave. He used to work for the good guys and g…"

"Do you know what I made the mistake of doing yesterday? I watched Ace Ventura: Pet Detective with my 8-year-old and my 10-year-old,” Rogan said, as their conversation veered towards controversial film…"

"Some people don't believe in aliens. I do believe in aliens. But I believe they gave up on people a long time ago. Wouldn't you? I think there's a few liberal aliens out there, still hangin' in,"

"Ladies, please listen to me, don't you ever take relationship advice from a guy you don't wanna fuck, okay? Because let me tell you something: if you don't wanna fuck him, chances are a lot of other g…"

"Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the fuck am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's l…"