"My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks."

“I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.”

“I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.”

“A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower.”

“When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.”

“I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.”

“I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.”