"The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face."

“You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.”

“Jeremy Hardy interview with eyebrow magazine”

“Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.”

“Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.”

“My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her "You're eleven, make your own!”

“The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.”